February 9, 2010

She's probably a bitch…

So often we women are quick to judge other women and I don’t think it comes as a surprise to anyone given the suspicion and competition that is encouraged between girls and women in the media and the culture at large.

Skinny bitch. Slut. Ho.

Those are just some of the names we hurl at other women that we don’t think we have anything in common with. We judge other women on their hair, clothing, color, size and relationship status. We assume that we won’t like one another and don’t bother to take a chance. Now, I am not saying we’ll have commonalities and connections with every women we may come across but we certainly have the potential for connection and solidarity with a more diverse group of women than we imagine.

I wrote about this in September 2008 after I returned from one of the many women-centered retreats I have helped organize and attended with my teacher, Nita Rubio, and the women I have circled with over the years. But, since that last retreat, I entered my second trimester, had a beautiful baby boy and lost my sense of self and sisterhood in the process.

It’s easy to do when you’re recovering from a c-section and adjusting to the needs of new baby. Somewhere in the process my individual identity got mixed up with the dirty diapers and pumping.

This past weekend was my first weekend away from my boy since he was born last February. It was my first weekend immersed with a group of women that gathered with intention in a sacred female space in over a year.

I forgot how much I needed this despite my clear sense of longing and isolation as I nurtured my newborn babe.

Even so, I found myself with the same tendency to judge. We were 13 women among the Joshua Trees of the desert, away from partners, children, and careers. I have known many of the women for years in circle, many I had never met. Despite teaching Women’s Studies and lecturing on the division that is encouraged among women and despite the enriching experiences I have had with my community of women, I still find myself quick to stereotype and judge.

As always, I was confronted with my judgements and the walls I erected hastily were smashed and I was able to meet a plethora of amazing women of various walks of life. I am grateful for the ability to move past these superficial boundaries more quickly than I was able to as a young woman but the fact that these judgements still arise is noteworthy and troubling.

By the end of our 4 days communing together in the desert over delicious food, in the hot tub, in the sacred dance, late night wine, laughter and deep conversation I felt deep gratitude for the lessons I was offered and the reminder that we women have a lot to offer one another if we can move beyond our culturally embedded assumptions and suspicions.

Sisterhood is still powerful.

To read Nita Rubio’s post on this past weekend, click here.


Picture taken by Nita Rubio. Joshua Tree Highlands, 2010.


  1. i can relate to this on so many levels: as a mom, a woman, an independent spirit. we are so multi-layered and the expections put upon us are so often untenable. you hit the nail on the head: we DO judge, and we DO build walls, but it takes immense courage to tear them down and sit with an open and willing heart. joshua tree sounds like it was healing and good for your heart and soul. what an inspiration. thank you!

    Comment by sarit — February 9, 2010 @ 4:32 pm

  2. I continue to be amazed by your growth as a woman, a mother, and a teacher.

    Comment by Theresa Senn — April 1, 2010 @ 3:55 pm

  3. sisterhood is powerful. thank you sharing. this rings so true!

    Comment by Pamela Arturi — April 2, 2010 @ 3:31 pm

  4. I agree that sisterhood is sometimes needed in order to get back on track. I find myself lost and lonely without having my amazing girls around.It doesnt feel good being stereotyped by women who could potentially be such a good friend, however, with the media and culture, you have to be open to the sisters out there willing to be there in the end. Great piece.

    Comment by rayleen lopez gws300 — September 14, 2011 @ 3:03 pm

  5. Oh please. I am not going to drop my guard just because you bitches talk crap about sisterhood. I don’t trust any other woman.

    Comment by Carol — May 14, 2012 @ 12:59 pm

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